Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
