Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
