the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
