Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
