I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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