I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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