i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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