Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
