Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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