I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
