I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
