i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
