Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
