Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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