and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
