I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
