I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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