So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
