I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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