Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
