Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
