I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
