I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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