I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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