70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
