If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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