I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I believe in your delicious
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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