What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dignity is for republicans.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
