1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
