nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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