I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
