I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
