I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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