so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
