I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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