MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.