I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.