Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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