I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
