Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
