it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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