i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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