I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
