I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
40s are totally the cure
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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