so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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