So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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