You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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