Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
