I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize