So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
