Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
