I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
