hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
