I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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