I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
