I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
