if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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