kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
