You're so nebulous sometimes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
