I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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