I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
