Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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