If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
